Episode 35: Setting Boundaries Is Self Love | Stella Got Her Groove Back But Needs To Set Boundaries

Hey Loves,

Setting boundaries are very important not only for your mental health but for your romantic and platonic relationships. No matter how someone feels about your boundaries, they were set by you for a reason. But what do you do when you don’t know how to set boundaries because for so long, your boundaries were nonexistent? Should you be more lenient with your boundaries because it’s so new to everyone in your circle or should you be more strict with enforcing them. This weekend I was scrolling through my Gentle Giant email and I got a really interesting letter from a Miss Stella about this very subject so let’s jump right into it and see if we can help this Gentle Giant out.

With Love,

Setting Boundaries Is Self Love

The Letter

Hey Love,

I am a 39 year old mom and I am finally an empty nester. I had my first kid at 14 and my last at 21. I am single but have finally started dating but my sons have been overwhelmingly in my business and pushy about who I spend my time with. I hadn’t dated since having my youngest who’s father passed away when he was 4 months old. I was so scarred by his sudden passing and feared having another man in my life with my children being so young that I put it out of my mind until recently. I had been lonelier than ever because my sons were my world for so long.

All three of my sons have either went away for college or started a family of their own and I felt like I was just withering away. My coworkers suggested I get on a few dating apps because apparently, I’m just that lonely. I didn’t even really know how to strike up a conversation with men now a days because I’m socially awkward I feel. Anyway, On these dating apps, I met this delicious man who is also an empty nester and he has been rocking my world  however, none of my sons know yet.

I had been cooped up in the house since I was 14 and am now ready to travel and get my groove back but my sons aren’t respecting my boundaries. One of my son’s moved back from college with his girlfriend and everything was going great until they broke up a few weeks ago or so I thought. He said He let her keep their place because she wasn’t from here and it would be easier for him to find a new place because he makes more money than her. He then said he is actively looking for a new one but has been spending every night at mine. I love my son and he is welcomed any time but there are nights where I want to have a potential suitor come over and have some fun with me but I don’t feel like I can do that with my grown ass son three doors down.

I also started to frequent a game night at my  place where all of my single friends come over and we have a time but again, it’s weird to think about doing that with my grown son there all the time. So I decided to talk his ex the other day because we have that type of relationship and come to find out, she says everything is fine with them. She said he told her I was feeling under the weather and he was staying over to keep an eye on me to make sure I was fine. At first I thought she didn’t want to tell me they broke up because they were talking about starting a family and she was a little embarrassed until the other night, I overheard him tell her he only told me they broke up so I would let him stay over.

I am Pissed. I told him he had to go because I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I am learning how to navigate my life without my kids being in my space 24/7 but It’s difficult because I know my sons worry I might just become some depressed old lady with a bunch of cats but that’s not the case. I would love to know how to set boundaries with my sons so they’re not blowing my phone up 8-10 times a day each, lying about being single to spend time with me and worrying about me being lonely? I would love to know how to tell them I am 39 but I am in my prime.

Signed,

Stella’s Got Her Groove Back

Tips + Tricks

Here are some tips for setting boundaries I want you to remember without feeling guilty.

1. Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re probably one of the most selfless things you can do because it gives you space and time to reset. The only way you can take care of others is by taking care of yourself because how can you pour from an empty cup?

2. Boundaries strengthen relationships. It will cause all of your to grow and love each other while respecting each others personal space.

3. Setting boundaries is good for you. Hell it’s good for everyone involved.

4. Tune into your needs. You spend more than half your life catering to those little critters now it’s time to cater to yourself because you’ve done your job as a mother. Now its time to do your job as Stella and take care of Stella.

5. Practice practice practice. If its hard for your to uphold your boundaries, it’s also hard for them to remember your boundaries so just keep reenforcing it. Eventually all of you will get it.

6. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes you’ll want to break or give in, but remember being kind to yourself is standing your ground for your mental health.

7. Most of all, remember, boundaries are what you make it.

To hear my advice to this Gentle Giant, be sure to check out the podcast episode linked below for your convenience or my YouTube channel for a video version of this episode. Also, don’t forget to leave your own advice for this Gentle Giant in the comments down below.

Listen to the full episode below.